In my journey of self-discovery, I stumbled upon the truth that it was in my moments of destruction that I could understand myself.
It was only through this year's painstaking process of auto destruction and reconstruction that I unearthed the depths of my essence, discovering the authentic identity that had long been obscured.
So, come along with me as I share the transformative story of unraveling the mysteries of my soul and embracing the beauty of self-discovery.
From resilience to redemption
In the brief span of my existence, I have weathered immense levels of trauma, each wave crashing against the shores of my being with relentless force.
The journey towards my healing therefore demanded bold and courageous steps that, while necessary, felt like wielding a double-edged sword - both blunt and frightening in their intensity.
These steps towards change were vital, yet they resembled a daunting leap into the unknown, where the shadows of fear danced with the light of hope.
Change for survival
The first step towards change for me was to stop a lifetime of denial and to accept that things happened to me, that there were things done to me that I didn't ask for, and that there were years of unresolved trauma and loss that I was carrying along with me.
In the attempt to not give it my power, I had denied it and without realizing it, it had become a bad mental habit. Wanting not to be victimized again and pointing the finger out without realizing it, I had settled into a mentality that made me small and in which everyone wanted to screw me. I had become exactly what I was striving to protect myself to not be again: a victim.
I give grace to myself knowing that as a little girl without the guidance and protection of parents, there was a period of my life where I had no decision-making power and I couldn't say no or stop the abuse, but now I could.
I had to face that I had experienced tremendous tragedies and abuses that I could not even accept, that I did not want to feel or name at the time. Then it was recognizing that I was trapped in a cycle of helplessness and frustration thanks to my own silence and that I needed change. There is a real basis for feeling this frustration, I promise!
Mask Off
Over time, I've adorned myself with various shields, art serving as just one more layer of protection. Invite me to sing, dance, or create, and I'll dive in without hesitation, shedding any doubts, fears, or shyness.
Yet, if you dare to request that I strip away the elaborated masks of creativity, you expose the rawness of my story, my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, you may have witnessed a sudden retreat or an instinctual urge to distance myself from such naked intimacy.
Baring my vulnerabilities and shedding the layers of protection I've crafted over a lifetime, including the intricate mask of my artistic expression, is a deeply unsettling and discomforting endeavour for me.
My story
Our personal narratives often remain hidden, confined to the recesses of our minds, seldom finding voice in the world around us.
Today, I feel compelled to break that silence, to share a fragment of my past—a piece of my story that lay buried in darkness during my childhood. It is my hope that by speaking out, I can illuminate the shadows that linger in your own journey.
At the tender age of six, I faced the devastating loss of both parents to AIDS, casting a heavy shadow over my young soul. Entrusted to my father's family before their passing, I became the responsibility of relatives who believed their financial means would suffice.
Yet, their assumptions and ignorance subjected me to years of profound abuse—emotional, physical, and psychological.
The scars they left ran deep, marking my spirit with pain and anguish. But within this tale of suffering lies a glimmer of hope, a testament to resilience and transformation.
PART 1: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse
Life's lessons often come in unexpected guises, with some appearing as blessings while others manifest as formidable trials. In my life, my grandmother embodied both roles.
Despite my deep affection for her, my grandmother served as a relentless teacher throughout my childhood, though her lessons were often veiled in humiliation. Day after day, I grappled with the harsh reality that being myself was deemed unacceptable—that my very essence, appearance, and emotions were deemed flawed.
From the tender age of seven, I lived under the looming threat of punishment, facing the specter of physical harm or abandonment should I dare to defy her dictates. Tears were forbidden, swiftly silenced by her commanding voice, and any attempt to express myself was met with harsh rebuke.
My childhood bore the scars of profound physical abuse, leading to hospital visits and stitches, all while grieving the loss of my mother, whose passing was met with demands for stoicism from my grandmother.
Trapped in a cycle of unresolved trauma from her own tumultuous upbringing, my grandmother's unhealed wounds dictated her actions, perpetuating a legacy of pain and suffering.
In a world where survival seemed the only recourse, I erected emotional barriers to shield myself, forging an armour to withstand the relentless assaults on my spirit. Yet, even in the face of such soul-crushing adversity, I began to fortify myself against the onslaught of cruelty.
Through the crucible of adversity, I discovered an inner resilience that would ultimately pave the way for transformation and empowerment.
PART 2: The Grandiose Escape
From a young age, I yearned for escape, packing and repacking my Little Mermaid bag, only to hesitate at the doorstep. Yet, amidst this longing, my childhood was also a sanctuary of magic and wonder, crafted by my cherished grandfather and beloved aunt Pilar, who were my pillars of love and guidance. Their absence weighs heavily on my heart.
In 2014, I seized the opportunity to break free, immigrating to Canada alone. But my arrival coincided with the loss of my grandfather, leaving me adrift in a foreign land, bereft of my anchors. Struggling with a new language and devoid of my support system, I embarked on an inner odyssey of transformation.
While others navigated mundane tasks, my days were consumed by relentless toil. Fueled by an unyielding desire to prove my strength, I threw myself into a frenzied pursuit of stability, recreating the life I left behind. Balancing school with double shifts, sacrificing personal time, I doggedly pursued my aspirations.
Yet, beneath the veneer of determination lay a soul weary from the struggle. Moments of respite were scarce, drowned in alcohol and fleeting connections, offering temporary solace from the harsh realities of survival. But through the crucible of adversity, I emerged transformed, empowered by resilience and a steadfast resolve to shape my own destiny.
PART 3: The Grand Betrayal
Life's lessons can be harsh, revealing cycles of stagnation rather than growth. For me, it felt like I was replaying the same script, seeking partners who mirrored my grandmother's traits, which ultimately led to the same unresolved issues. Then, in 2022, tragedy struck once more with the loss of my beloved aunt Pilar to cancer, stripping away a vital source of love and support.
In the aftermath, as I embarked on a journey of self-exploration and therapy, I uncovered a startling truth. Through the help of a friend, Ana, I learned that I had unwittingly surrendered company shares due to the legal power of attorney granted to my grandmother. This revelation illuminated a decade-long manipulation by my family, leaving me vulnerable and disempowered.
But armed with this newfound knowledge and the courage to reclaim my autonomy, I found myself thrust into a battleground of familial deceit and animosity. Despite the onslaught of lies and hatred, I refused to be shackled by their manipulations. Instead, I focused on nurturing my own growth, managing contracts for my startup in Canada while grappling with the longing to be there for my aunt in her final moments.
In the face of adversity, I emerged transformed, empowered by the strength to break free from oppressive patterns and forge my own path forward.
PART 4: A Love Legacy
As a child, the kindness of strangers became my lifeline, offering moments of warmth and compassion that fortified my spirit amid adversity. Each gesture, each gentle word, served as bricks in the construction of my inner resilience.
These bonds, formed amidst hardship, remain etched in the depths of my heart, a testament to the enduring power of human connection.
My life is shaped by a love story overshadowed by tragedy, yet it is also a testament to the legacy of my parents. As I navigate the journey they were denied, I am driven by a desire to cultivate the love they were unable to fully express.
Despite the prejudice and fear surrounding their illness, I have discovered within myself the same love that eluded us in their final moments. Now, I am committed to honoring their memory by spreading that love far and wide.
Transforming pain and injustice into love is my lifelong mission. Each day, I draw strength from the belief that I can make a meaningful difference in the world.
Today, I issue a call to action: let us be intentional about creating our love legacies. Our capacity to love is a precious heirloom, capable of spanning generations. Let us actively consider how we want that love to manifest, ensuring it endures as a beacon of hope and compassion for all.
The Lessons: Six Skills for Survival
Life has ups and downs and everyone has different experiences that depend on individual perception. But when we don't get out of the cycle of playing strong and pretending that nothing happened, the frustration and revenge we feel can turn into abuse to other people.
Last year I realized that I had become a volcano that was sometimes exploding and acting in harmful ways. So, I made critical changes in my life and took decisions that I knew would discomfort and hurt me. It was really a soul calling and the beginning of my own awakening.
Whatever your challenges are, I assure you that you can handle your life. The victim mentality is a learned trauma response that gets validated by our “be strong” society. But we can also change it. When you let go of the victimization you realize that it was a very heavy weight to carry.
I will leave you with the six skills that helped me quit:
1. Taking ownership of my life:
Recognizing that while I can tolerate some uncertainty, ultimately, I'm no longer the same girl—I'm now an adult at the helm of my own destiny.
2. Empowerment:
Choosing to advocate for myself. While I acknowledge my sphere of influence, I also recognize the folly in attempting to control everything, as that would be irrational.
3. Building resilience to discomfort:
Understanding myself well enough to recognize that unpleasant situations make me uneasy. From there, I acknowledge my desire to avoid such discomfort, but also accept its presence. I remind myself of my capacity to observe without becoming overwhelmed, and instead, use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. With this mindset, I choose to focus on my strengths and abilities, using them as a magnifying glass to navigate through the discomfort.
4. Maintaining a positive outlook on life:
It involves recognizing that events occur, and they're not exclusive to me. Embracing a mindset of continuous learning allows me to view these occurrences through a constructive lens.
5. Forge meaningful connections with others from a place of authenticity and positivity:
By embracing the power of listening, I've discovered that I don't need to express suffering or complaints to be understood. I can reveal my true self authentically, allowing myself to enjoy and relax without resorting to blame. I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am, not defined by my struggles or challenges, but I feel no shame for them.
The most important thing is to know that you have resources, even when it feels like you don’t.
Conclusion:
In my journey of self-discovery, I've unearthed a profound truth: it's often in moments of destruction that we come to understand ourselves. This year has been a painstaking process of auto-destruction and reconstruction, revealing the depths of my essence buried beneath layers of trauma and denial.
The path to healing demanded bold and courageous steps, akin to wielding a double-edged sword—blunt and frightening in their intensity. Yet, within this crucible of change lay the key to transformation, and empowerment.
The first step towards change was to confront the truth: to acknowledge the years of unresolved trauma and loss that I carried within me. Denial had become a bad mental habit, perpetuating a cycle of victimhood and powerlessness.
This helped me realize that I possessed the agency to break free from this cycle, to reclaim my autonomy, and to say no to further abuse.
Step two was recognizing my own strength. I embraced fear and discomfort as my catalyst for growth, acknowledging their presence without allowing it to overpower me. Maintaining a positive outlook, I viewed life's challenges as opportunities for learning and development.
I took ownership of my life, steering it towards a new direction guided by empowerment and resilience.
The last step was listening and revealing my true self. I forged meaningful connections with others from a place of authenticity and positivity, discovering that I deserve love and appreciation for who I am, unencumbered by past traumas.
In my journey of self-discovery, I took a daunting pause from the whirlwind of life, delving deep within myself. I granted myself the invaluable gifts of grace and time, nurturing and healing my inner child.
Embracing my own darkness, I learned to accept it as a familiar companion on my path towards wholeness.
Today, as I step into this new chapter aligned with my transformed reality, I share my voyage with you.
May my narrative serve as a beacon of hope amidst shadows of pain, reminding you that courage awaits on the other side. If I can traverse through, so can you. Fear not, for within you lies the strength to rise anew.